Work or Stay Home Quandary
Posted on March 11th, 2008 – 9:14 AMBy Kay Krhin
Today we have the ”work or stay at home?” query from ” L. in Woodbury” - she’d love your 2 cents!
I need some help! My weekend job is in jeopardy. I’ve got to decide if I’m going back to work or if I should continue to stay at home with my toddler. I enjoy being a stay at home mom–and until recently, I had a sweet deal working just weekends. It allowed me to be home full time–but still have two nickels in my pocket.
Well, they are streamlining at the job and eliminating my part time position. Now I’ve got to make a choice: Either work full time and send my toddler to day care–or stop working all together and stay at home without a pay check coming in. With the rising price of gas, mounting bills and the cost of Pampers, we depend on my check to pitch in on things around the house. So if I quit, the checks stop rolling in. But the upside is I get to continue raising my baby the way I want to.
On the other hand, if I work full time, put him in day care, I’ll continue to get paid. The downside is with the extremely high cost of GOOD day care centers, I’ll probably net about $30 a day. I have no family in the Twin Cities, my husband and I are transplants, so there is no option to leave my 19 month old with a trusted relative while I work.
Any advice? Also, suggestions for good day care in east St. Paul or Woodbury?
25 Responses to "Work or Stay Home Quandary"
You’ll no doubt get lots of advice on this topic, as I’ve found many moms are passionate about either staying at home or remaining in the workforce.
However, this is a decision that is yours to make, and yours only. Nobody can tell you what is best for both you and your toddler. You need to weigh what is most important in your life, taking care of your child, or continuing to “pitch in around the house”. Can you live without some of those extra things? Could you drive a little less to save money on gas? Or are those all things that you must have in order to have a happy family? It’s up to you.
Here’s what I think is an important question: Do you like your job? That should carry some weight in the deliberations…
You know, Molly is totally right. You are going to get tons of advice. There are a lot of pros and a lot cons that you already know all about, and ultimately, you have to make the choice. I hope you are able to eventually decide and that you feel good about the choice you make - it isn’t easy.
I have to say, though, as a working mom I WISH I had a choice to stay home. If we could pull it off, I would choose to stay home in a second. I envy you that it is a choice you get to make. Or, maybe it’s easier for us because the decision was made for us. I can live with the “cons” of working because they were forced upon us against our will…
It is rough. I can’t sleep at night thinking about it. I love my job and I love what I do. But I also love being at home with my baby. For a while I had “the best of both worlds”–but now the two are colliding.
You ladies make some great points. I’m so glad you posted. It gives me something to think about and helps me channel my thoughts better.
It is totally your decision, and all we can do is tell you what works for us.
For me– I’ve done bother. I stayed at home for the first 9 months, and I could have continued to do that, but for a variety of reasons, including I love my job and uncertainties in my husbands career, I went back to work full time. There are times I wish I had more time to be with my son, but overall, I am happy to be back in the outside the workforce home.
Also, is there the possibility to do in-home care for one or two children? Then you could raise your child and make a few extra dollars too. Just a thought…
I was in your boat 100% a few months ago. I had a PT telecommuting job that allowed me to work in the mornings while my hubby cared for my son, it was the best of both worlds because I still got some adult contact but never had to put him in daycare.
The job ended…and I was offered a chance to come into the office FT and put him in daycare. I felt I didn’t really have a choice since we needed the money so we started the daycare search and it was very hard for me. Luckily, my husband felt just as heartbroken as I did about me separating from our son so he told me he would work overtime or do whatever he could do to ensure we raise our son at home.
I will tell you that at times it is a bit scary and we have had to cut way down on a lot of things but I haven’t even thought twice about my decision. My son is only little once and there will be plenty of time for me to be into he workplace in the future. In the meantime, I scrimp and save and enjoy all my time with him.
Please understand, I respect all families’ decisions in regards to work or being home…and I do believe it is a personal decision only you can answer. This is what worked for us after some serious soul searching. Trust your intuition on this.
Best wishes!
Would you be willing to work a retail job to bring in extra money? I used to work at a store that had lots of part-time employees that would work one shift on the weekend and one shift one a week night. That way you could work while your husband is at home.
Beyond the cost of daycare is the cost of transportation to and from work. Plus the fact that (I would assume) you would make more than you currently do if you switch to full time–that could put your family into a higher tax bracket. Given that, you may not even net $30 a day. You may want to sit down and crunch the numbers yourself.
As others have said, I too, think it is a very personal decision. I always knew that I would go back to work after my son was born. I was home with him the first 5 months, and then went back. When I am home in the summer I am ready to pull my hair out by August. My personality doesn’t do well with being at home all the time, no matter how busy I am. I also think, for me, my husbands job is a factor. He is gone a lot at night, so when I am home with a toddler all day and then all night, it gets to be a bit much. You have to go with what works for you. Good luck to you!
This is one of the toughest choices mothers have to make. I feel so fortunate to be able to work part-time and be home when my kids are home from school. I give lots of credit to mothers that are working full-time. I don’t know how you do it!
I was in almost the same situation as you - I wasn’t working at all, and pretty much dreaded the thought of working full-time again. I was lucky enough to find a couple of good part-time opportunities that fit our schedule. One job I found on craigslist, which I checked everyday. There are tons of scams out there, but also some legitimate jobs posted on that site. Good luck in whatever you decide!
Good Luck in your decision whatever it is. All though college and until the time I had my daughter (almost 2 years ago) I had always wanted a career and thought I would want to work. But she when she was born I had a very big change of heart. Unfortunately the “plan” was already made and I had to go back to work. But after removing her from her first daycare and putting in the YMCA I feel very comfortable with my decision, while I would still rather be home with her I know the Y is a great place for her. The Y is a center and has many wonderful opportunies for the kids, but it is a much less expensive option than private centers. Good Luck!
This maybe over simple but why not look for another Part time job. Most retailers perfer to hire part time as they dont have to pay benefits and most full time employees dont want the weekend shifts so those are the hard positions to fill. You might be suprised how many retailers are looking for people who can work 8-20 hours and want weekend shifts. A kids store will also offer a great discount (try Gap kids).
Well, let me give a fathers view on the matter. I agree the best caregivers of children are there own mothers. But at what true expense does that place on the husband and marraige. If the husband has to work more to make more does that equate to a happy marraige. Don’t let the dollars and cents get too much credence. Look at the quality of life and time together to make your decisions. It is important to have balance in the family. My wife works so that we can be home as a family nights and weekends. If we were a one income family, she would get all the quality time with our two girls and I would be the only one with an income and the added stress of being the porvider for all our needs financialy. Just make sure you are really looking at all sides of the issue when deciding what to do.
I always try to put it into perspective. When I am 90 years old, what will I look back on and be glad I spent my time doing?
I agree with several things folks have said, number one being that you will have to do what feels right for you (AND your family!), and number two being can you get another part-time job…?
The other thing I will add, from a philosophical point of view, is just to remember that you CAN change your mind! Sometimes I have to remind myself of that too, when I am trying to make a tough decision and it seems so either/or. You may make a decision and find that it just isn’t working for your family the way you thought it would, so you need to look at other options.
Very few things are permanent. Try something and give yourself at least six months to see if it really is a good fit or not. Maybe it won’t seem like it at first, but you’ll be able to get into a rhythm and say, Yes, I can see how this might work for us. Or maybe your gut just knows right from the start that you need to find another solution.
Good luck and keep us posted on what you decide!
I think Eric made a very good point that perhaps some people may overlook.
When I first went back to work I cried and cried. And cried. I couldn’t stand leaving my little girl behind, even though it was only 4 days a week. Now, two years later - I am constantly amazed by what she has learned from her time at her in-home daycare. (We searched and searched - both centers and in-home). Now I look at the cost of childcare as “tuition” if you will. She participates in a pre-school program and has learned so much more than her dad and I could have taught her on our own. She LOVES the learning environment and the other kids - both younger and older. It wasn’t easy leaving her at first but gradually did get easier. I’m not the stay-at-home type and ideally I’d like to cut back from work one more day but all in all, it’s been a blessing for us! I hold the family benefit package through my job and while I am not bringing home a ton of cash after paying benies and childcare, it’s enough to cover a few things. Investigate all of the options - there are tons and like someone else said - you can always change your mind!
Two more things to consider:
1) The long-term effects of abandoning your career completely for a few years. If I were to quit my job, my skills would quickly get outdated and I would have to start completely over when the time came. (Even working part-time in your field but in a different company would alleviate this.)
2) Craigslist! We found a nanny on craigslist for our twins and she is awesome. We’ve been calling her Mary Poppins. And she is cheaper than the center we had been sending them to for a while.
Like the other posters said though, this is totally an individual choice. I know people that are really happy with either one. I personally like our gig: my husband and I have staggered shifts so we only need daycare one day a week.
I agree with the posters who have wisely noted that this is a personal decision that only you can make. That said, when I read your initial post, I got the impression that your main concern is financial — that, given the choice, you would prefer to stay home with your child, but you don’t know if you can afford to.
I can speak to this; as someone who initially had planned to go back to work but realized midway through my maternity leave that I wanted to be home with my child, my husband and I had to do some hard thinking about whether we could afford it. It turns out that we were able to make it work by carefully recrafting our budget and making some lifestyle changes. (Examples: We don’t take as many vacations or buy as many new clothes. We are resigned to staying in our modestly priced starter home longer than we may have planned. We buy used cars and plan to keep them for a long time. We find a lot of cheap entertainment and don’t sign our toddler up for every fun-sounding class or program that comes along.)
I was pleasantly surprised that living on one income was not as painful as I’d imagined. The initial transition was kind of tough, of course, but I don’t feel as if we’re in want. And we’re still managing to sock some money away for retirement. I know that not all families can make the adjustment (we don’t need two incomes to cover our mortgage, for example) but it’s worth considering IF your primary desire is to stay home.
This is our experience I’m sharing, and I realize it may not be right for you. I just thought you might appreciate a little encouragement from someone who has managed to make it work. (By the way, I think the advice about finding another weekend job is great, too!)
When you do the math, don’t forget to figure in the future: If you’re not working, will you still be able to pay into a retirement account at the same rate or, actually, even more, because you need to make up for the lost Social Security benefits. Will you be able to afford more life insurance on your working spouse?
I really like the idea that Maria had of taking in a kid to make extra money. That’d give my son someone to play with and put a few nickles in my pocket. And Kat, as crazy as this may sound, I didn’t even think of finding “another” part time job somewhere else. I appreciate that feedback. You ladies are really lightening my load! Your wisdom and insight are a blessing to my spirit.
And Tricia, the industry I’m in really pays “peanuts”–I might as well be an elephant at the circus. But I love what I’m doing, so I’ve overlooked the pay for so long and just kind of “budgeted” my way through it. My husband picks up the tab for insurance–but you’re right–if I’m not working, I’m not saving for my retirement. Don’t want to be 75 years old checking groceries at Cub food so I can afford my medication!
This is what I would do…I would go on weekdays fill out applications looking for another part time job for weekends.
I also stay home taking care of my 17 months baby girl and also had a part time job on weekends but it was killing my relationship with my partner.
i don’t think the money is worth the price.
I will go back to work when my child is 3 or so. In the mean time I enjoy the time with my child on weekends and my partner.
Best of luck!
I want to thank everyone who weighed in on my situation. It was a tough one but your insight helped me make a decision I know I’ll never regret: I’m staying at home with my baby. We’re going to have to adhere to a stricter budget–but hey, it’ll all be worth it for me and my family in the long run. I felt so relieved after reading your comments yesterday. Without cribsheet and this interaction with other moms, I don’t know if I could have made the choice that I did. So thank you Kay and Chen!
Yay to L in Woodbury! It’s always good to rehash all the pros and cons, and I am excited that you were able to make your decision. Again, I am jealous of you!
Congrats L - I dont think this is a decision you will regret.
“The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you finish the work”
-Pat Clifford
Congratulations on making a decision that feels right to you! There is nothing better than feeling good about your choices, and not having regrets.
Good for you!
