Sisters Who Settle: Part 2
Posted on March 13th, 2008 – 8:56 AMBy Kay Krhin
Cribsheet reader “singleinthecities” offers her perspective on Monday’s post featuring the Atlantic Monthly piece ”Marry Him”
To all the moms who responded to Lisa Gottlieb’s provocative (and slightly pathetic, in my opinion) piece, try to put yourself in another set of shoes. You’re 37. Maybe you’re 38 or 40. You love life. You are also very single, and it’s hard to meet men, ANY men, despite the Internet and all. You love kids and you always have. You are realistic but not desperate. But you know that despite the latest celebrity midlife “baby bump” tabloid story (when did a child get demoted to a “bump” by the way?) that the clock really is ticking, and that stories of twins at 48 involve money and stretches of medicine and ethics that probably aren’t realistic for most women.
You would like to meet a nice guy. You could care less whether he is balding or whether he has terrible taste in shoes. You don’t care if he sings off-key. You have dozens of intelligent, attractive friends with good jobs and stable lives who are all single – and all women over 30. Some of them have deeply held religious or cultural values and can’t find someone who will walk that path with them. Some of them can’t read an article like Lisa’s without sobbing, I suspect.
We have heard that the statistics are against us – not just for motherhood, but for marriage at all. And we sense that, even without pie charts and numbers. Most of us are not scared of being alone. We’ve gotten good at it. And we have lots of friends, married and single. But sometimes we’re a little sad, to be honest. We see shelves in bookstores full of advice and regimens on how to get ourselves married, all of them marketed to women, incidentally. (I think we would rather read about how people stay married.)
Yes, “settling” is a loaded word. But keep in mind that one person’s “settling” is another person’s “wise compromise.” After all, we live in a culture that speaks about soulmates and chemistry more than about commitment.
Clearly, some of Gottlieb’s examples are way beyond settling. If someone talks about their fascination with comas and terrorists, then your single sisters aren’t talking about settling, we’re talking: “Run for your lives. Now!”
If you’re in our shoes, you might not be looking for instant sparks and elaborate dates. You’re probably looking for kindness, honesty, integrity and stability. You are looking for someone to build a life with, not sweep you off your feet. (Now if he swept the kitchen floor…..)
Maybe that’s not settling at all. Maybe it’s maturity. Or maybe it’s personality. Some women just aren’t the giddy-giggles-and-butterflies type. And maybe that’s what happens when you’re looking midlife square in the eye, and the clock is ticking for you but not for your male peers. (Where are our male peers, by the way?)
Cribsheet readers, don’t assume that your single sisters don’t esteem marriage and motherhood. A lot of us truly love hearing about your kids. We love some aspects of being single, and we celebrate those, but we aren’t going to tear down marriage and children just because we have sole control of the remote.
Some of us can’t talk about the ticking and the ache because we might choke up and make you feel awkward. We wonder if the clock will eventually quiet itself. Some of us try to talk about it, but then we hear how lucky we are, with our tidy, quiet houses and diaper-free shopping carts and all. Yes, we know marriage and motherhood are work. But we think it’s work we’d like a chance at, without involving a donor anything. (Maybe we think THAT would be settling.) Maybe we want to talk about the ups and downs of being a mom honestly with you. Maybe it would be OK if the moms out there asked us about the dating scene – or lack of it. And of course if you know any nice guys, we’re probably OK with meeting them, too. Just no one who is fascinated with terrorists and comas. (Oh, and if you want to read a really pathetic slice of blogland, hold your nose and click on )
13 Responses to "Sisters Who Settle: Part 2"
This is a wonderful entry, thanks for sharing it. As a married, 30-something mom with many single friends, this is really helpful. I don’t think my life is any better or worse than theirs, but I often worry about being a good friend to them even though we are in very different places in our lives. Thanks for a very valuable perspective. This should have been printed in the New Yorker.
Thanks for posting this, Kay. I am a happily married mom in my early 30’s, so never got to the point at which Gottlieb found herself wishing she had “settled.” I think a lot of the indignation and upset at her use of the word “settling” comes from happily married women like me, who can stand back and say “I would never settle” because we have husbands and don’t have to think about what we would do in Gottlieb’s shoes. I think Gottlieb’s point wasn’t that you should just latch on to any half-decent schlub who comes along, but that, standing face to face with a truly good person who offers a happy and stable life, you shouldn’t blow him off because he’s balding, or likes country music, or whatever.
“I think Gottlieb’s point wasn’t that you should just latch on to any half-decent schlub who comes along, but that, standing face to face with a truly good person who offers a happy and stable life, you shouldn’t blow him off because he’s balding, or likes country music, or whatever.”
And that’s good advice at 45 or 35 or 25 and it’s good advice about potential partners, friends, colleagues…
There’s a difference between marrying someone you don’t love (never a good idea) and marrying someone who isn’t the made-up fantasy ideal of your 16-year-old imagination.
Lovely, eloquent and heartfelt. Thank you, singleinthecities, for writing on Cribsheet.
Some people don’t let go of the man of “their 16-year-old imagination” -ever. Some people never mature beyond adolesence. Some people are mature beyond their years in college and are lucky enough to meet a similarly mature and compatible person in their early 20s and get started on a family. Some people’s idyllic lives are upturned by scandal or quiet betrayal. I do believe in needing a certain amount of chemistry for a relationship to work (i.e., not just “compatible” but more), but requiring hearts/flowers/violins all the time? Honestly I think that’s too high maintenance for a normal human being. I have friends who are within a couple years either side of forty who still insist on finding someone who makes their heart go pitter pat many months into the dating relationship. I don’t know what to say to these friends, who, in the next breath, lament not having a baby yet. It’s a complex issue. Thank you for so adeptly writing about your perspective, singleinthecities.
I don’t compromise, not because it would be so hard to live with him, but because it would be awful to have to live with myself knowing that I did. Not having a husband doesn’t mean I demand “hearts/flowers/violins all the time.” It simply means I haven’t found a match. And so what if I don’t? Is marriage the end-all of everything I could achieve in life?
Great post. It’s really hard to be single, a little (or a lot) older, surrounded by friends with husbands and kids, and feeling your own biological clock ticking (or clanging, as it was in my case). People would say to me: “You’re too picky” or “you’re never going to meet anyone unless you [fill in the blank however you want].” How frustrating!
Well, what if it’s the guys who are too picky? And what if one meets plenty of people, just not ones who are interested or interesting or available? I think it finally comes down to maturity, as singleinthecities said. My own maturity, and also the maturity of the man I did finally marry.
When I think about how I had pictured my ideal mate when I was 16 (or 22, or even 35!), I am SO glad I didn’t marry that ideal. People change, problems emerge, life throws things at you you’d never expect, and you just never know whether that dreamboat you fantasized about when you were young is going to turn into an abusive drunk; or whether the complete dork you rejected for prom is going to turn into, um, well, fill in your own blank [George Clooney? Bill Gates? Robert Reich? Bruce Springsteen?].
Eliot Spitzer?
I love it, May! I laughed out loud. : )
Let’s remember, too, that our time in history and our place in the world give us the luxury of even considering this question.
Many women around the world have no choice.
I knew someone in law school who briefly dated Eliot Spitzer. She lusted after him and would have sold her soul to marry him, but her feelings were unrequited. I am not in touch with her anymore, but I bet she is breathing a BIG sigh of relief right about now. Or maybe not. Maybe she would have seen this sort of thing as an “occupational” (matrimonial?) hazard and worth the cost. Who can say? Good article in the NYTimes Style section yesterday about wives who do or do not stand by their men.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/16/fashion/16wives.html?_r=1&ref=fashion&oref=slogin
Tobi, I am trying to reconcile the words “lust” and “spitzer” in the same sentence…
My sentiments exactly. But those Ivy League law degrees can be a powerful aphrodesiac! They’ve been the downfall of many a broken-hearted woman!
