My crop circle was defeated by crop failure.

I wanted my corn to grow taller than the Jolly Green Giant. I wanted ears as big as my arm. I wanted to hide in the lush green foliage and jump out at Brian as he mowed the lawn.

Instead, I grew anemic stalks with with poorly pollinated cobs barley bigger than baby corn.

I eventually surrendered my Peaches and Cream to the squirrels. They downed all the stalks in less than a week. In the mornings, I’d watch them finish off a cob, then happily preen themselves in the sun. (For a moment, my fury foes looked kind cute, almost endearing. Then they dug up my planters of argula and snap peas — Argh!)

What went wrong? Did I plant my corn too late? Not fertilize enough? Forget to water one too many times?