Guest post COW: Sassbottom prefers shredded Wie
Posted on January 12th, 2007 – 11:51 AMBy Michael Rand
We gave him the forum, and we imagined it might come to this. But ladies and gentlemen, these are his 300 words. He earned them, and he thought them through. Sassbottom checks in right here (sorry about the font … something about cutting, pasting, etc.):
It’s time I come clean with RandBall Nation. Despite being a frequent
contributor to RandBall and this week’s COW, I have some shortcomings to which I must finally admit. I, Sassbottom, am a filthy, sexist pig.
I haven’t always been this way, mind you. It’s developed over time,
starting a few years back, when a young girl from Hawaii first developed
a following as the Next Big Thing in golf. “Michelle Wie can hit the
ball a mile,” the story went. “Isn’t that amazing?” I, like most people, was impressed at first. Because when a lanky 15-year-old girl can do something like that, it’s impressive. It’s something you don’t see too often. Like a squirrel on waterskis. Or Evel Knievel. You watch them do their thing and say, “Wow. That’s pretty cool.” And then, when the neat-o demonstration is over, what are you left with, exactly? Nothing. And that’s why I’m a sexist pig. Because I’m no longer impressed with a little girl’s delusions of finding success on the PGA Tour. Michelle Wie is the Bearded Lady of professional golf. I’ve seen the sideshow and I’ve moved on.
To wit, check out ESPN’s golf page. Go ahead. Do it now. I’ll wait. There she is. The lead story, dangly earrings and all. She shot a 78 in the first round, 15 strokes off the lead. She’s going to miss the cut for the seventh time. Why is this a story at all, much less the lead? At what point can (or should) golf fans cease to be impressed by this carnival attraction? You want to impress me, Wie? Turn down one of those exemptions. Then issue a statement: “Thanks, but I’m not able to compete on that level.” That would be impressive.
As the old saying goes, she had me at hello. It was a nice run. Now go away.
67 Responses to "Guest post COW: Sassbottom prefers shredded Wie"
Welcome to the club.
Well done.
…
Now Annika Sorenstam is a different story. Right? She is over 18.
I’m not a big fan of ladies’ golf (Natalie Gulbis’ … umm … “body of work” notwithstanding) in the first place, but Sorenstam is certainly more interesting/worthy of coverage than Wie.
She wins. A lot. And also I named my daughter after her.
I would not name my child Wie.
Right you are Sass. Wie should not be playing these men’s events and taking away another golfer’s sponser exemption especially when they have more legitimate chance at winning. But I cannot blame her. I blame her father. At least Mr. Woods kept Tiger out of the spotlight of playing in events until he was old enough to handle it.
Sassbottom swings and hits a home run! I knew he had it in him. As Vince Vaughn said in ‘Swingers’, “Our baby’s all grow’d up…”
Personally, I blame the media outlets like ESPN and Sports Illustrated for this sick fascination they have with Michelle Wie. You said it yourself Sass, check out ESPN.com’s golf page…everytime she agrees to these events, it stops becoming a tournament and it becomes a media circus. Once the big boys of sports media finally come to their senses and realize that no one cares anymore, she’ll hopefully stop being a circus freak and go back to the LPGA to be a golfer.
I’ll take a shot at that question (”Why is this a story at all?”): this is a story at all because virtually nobody would READ a story about Luke Donald firing a 63 on Day 1 of the Hawaii Open, much less write a guest post on a blog about it.
Let’s be honest: as much as we all hate the disproportionate attention given to Wie, it probably is one of the few stories on Tour this week that will provoke any kind of reaction or readership.
Blame those who are pretending that Wie missing the cut on Tour is a momentus occasion; ridicule those who suggest that Wie has yet done anything particularly noteworthy.
But don’t blame ESPN for focusing on the one angle this week that might make somebody think or care about this tournament.
It’s all well and good to be bored with the Michelle Wie story. But childress sucks is completely wrong on one point. Michelle Wie isn’t taking away anybody else’s chance of winning. If she wasn’t playing this week, some Nationwide Tour nobody would miss the cut and nobody would care.
Can anybody name a recent PGA Tour winner who got in to that event on a sponsor’s exemption? I didn’t think so.
If Sony or whoever wants to put Michelle Wie or sassbottom or Bozo the Clown in the field, that’s their right and it’s not going to fundamentally alter the outcome of the tournament.
I wouldn’t accept the sponsor’s exemption because I’m not a good player. I don’t belong there, and I’m … er, man enough to admit it.
That said, I have done better than 8-over through nine holes, so maybe I’m being too hard on myself.
Champions Tour, here I come!
Sass came clean. Now it’s my turn. I think golf truly s.ks and here’s why.. (Some background then is necessary).
It all started a year ago while biking by Highland golf course in St. Paul. I noticed flocks of predominately white paunchy males as they “hit the links” (meaning unknown), and I knew it was Spring once more ! Now, I’ll say upfront that I don’t care what a person does as long as it doesn’t affect me. Thus, smokers are free to shorten their own lives but not in any place I frequent. But, things aren’t that simple with golf. Read on and learn the hidden but still horrid truth.
To begin, golf’s problem is that it involves toxins not as easily noticed as cigarette smoke, chemicals like herbicides, pesticides, fungicides, fertilizers, crabgrass inhibitors all applied in sufficient dosages aiming to beat the competition in giving the avid golfer the thickest grass possible. Nice guys those golf course owners, aren’t they ?
Hardly, since unless the course is constructed over an underlayment of bentonite clay or some other impermeable membrane (prohibitively expensive !!), the groundwater is the beneficiary of much of those chemicals spread to make the grass so unnaturally green and soft.
Yet, I’ve read that such a underlayment is sometimes (rarely) used around greens, but then what happens to those chemicals when we have a monstrous downpour ? The technology simply doesn’t exist to filter the overflow of water from those greens even if we were able to somehow trap it in a catchment pond…which we can’t do anyway. (Hmm.. would members drink these “safe” dilutions, I wonder).
But, controlled chemical dosing on the fairways is the real issue since after downpours there isn’t any way to control the runoff from 100’s of yards grass into storm drains. So, while relaxing in their carts between holes, I only ask that golfers think about the effects of the witches brew of these chemicals ending up in every kid’s body swimming in every lake anywhere near any club. Nah, too much such thinking could spoil a birdie (the real birdie died drinking from a golf pond)…
An open letter to Michelle Wie:
Please, just give it up. I know, there are a lot of people who think you should be out there on PGA events playing with the men, but it has become painfully obvious that you are not up to the challenge, at least not right now. Go play on the LPGA tour and become a better all-around player. Maybe you’ll finally win a tournament or two? I know, it’s not really your fault…you had people who rushed you onto the world stage and they should be ashamed of themselves…but it’s time for you to just say no to these people and take control of your career….while you still have one.
Jason Gore won in 2005 with a sponsors exemtion and Adam Scott won in 2003 with one….
Thought it over with a friend…it’s not a male or female thing. Though golf is played by many ruffians now, it still carries the stink of the rich to it.
White clothes, golf carts, drinkeepoos in the “Clubhouse” afterward….I’ve seen it all before in Caddyshack
Jason Gore didn’t need the sponsors exemption to get in the field at the 2005 84 Lumber, though. And Adam Scott’s win was at the Deutsche Bank, one of the premier events on the Tour. No international player of Scott’s caliber was denied entry into the Sony or the John Deere or the 84 Lumber because Wie was there. The last true instance of such a win that you claim Wie was denying was in 2001.
Can’t Wie all just get along?
Paul Palous-
300 words or less please.
My ADDhD brain can’t take it.
I’d name my wee wee …”Wie”
Well done, Sassbottom.
Super..ADDhD is spelled Duh….just joking.
Super…just measured my last treatise..OK it was 357 words, but there is something about golf…and soccer I can’t stand ..and tennis and gymnastics and pairs figure skating and figure skating in general and free style skiing and ….
Can’t I please just hear about anything but golf. If it’s not Tiger and whether he’s going to be better than Nicklaus, it’s not worth talking about. Personally, I think a story about Wie is worth as much as a story about Appleby or Scott or Singh. Man, RandBall is making me a negative MoFo.
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