Sassbottom has been among the most frequent commenters since RandBall started about, what, a month ago? But sometimes it seemed as though he tried too hard. This week, he followed the advice of Crash Davis from Bull Durham. He held his comments like an egg. He didn’t squeeze too tight. And that is how we leap from a Bull into a COW. Sassbottom has been told of the award already and is skeptical that he can create Guest Post magic tomorrow morning. We don’t believe him. Hopefully, his 300 words will grace this space.

You’ve known him as “just” a commenter. Now you know him as the Commenter Of the Week. A pretty impressive bullet point on any resume, we must say. Ladies and gentlemen, step up to the table for a piping hot bowl of Stu:

If you watched the Shimmer Floor Wax & Dessert Topping Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day, you heard the dulcet, gin-soaked tones of Pat Summerall covering the game.  God, it was good.  Yes, he’s lost quite a bit off his fastball, and he sounds like he could just bellow “Emmitt SMITH!” at any given moment, but still.  It’s Pat Summerall.  The voice that let you know, every Sunday, that this was the game of the week.  In the blessed/cursed season of 1998, he and Madden seemingly broadcast every other Vikings game.  It was glorious, until it wasn’t anymore.

Which is why I think it’s time that we looked at the most alarming side effect of the Vikings’ continued mediocrity-to-outright-suckitude: the Fox announcers.  Now, say what you will about Joe “Disgusting Act” Buck, but he’s tolerable when he’s not getting his schoolmarm on, and Aikman is solid.  The catch, of course, is that your team has to be decent or in the NFC East to get the Fox “A” team.  The dropoff after that?  Oy.

It’s gotten so bad that I have this recurring dream that Sam Rosen and Bill Maas will show up at my house one weekend and broadcast me doing laundry:

Sam: Well, it looks like Stu’s going to start with the whites, Bill.
Bill:  Risky call by Stu, there, Sam.  You don’t want to get any bright colors mixed in with the whites.  But that’s just how Stu does the laundry, Sam.  It’s a gunslinger’s mentality, how he does laundry, and that’s how he’s always been.
Sam: Boy, you said it! And it’s what he told us last night at dinner, right?
Bill: Yep.  Just sort ‘em and wash ‘em, full speed ahead.  He’s the ultimate launderer, that guy.  Heckuva golfer, too.

So, please, Vikings.  Be good again.  I can’t take much more of this.

Stu, you’ve captured RandBall’s spirit in a short amount of time. As such, we are pleased to announce you are the Commenter Of the Week (COW). He kicked off his campaign last week with the classic, “The noodles and meat carried this soup,” and his strong work carried over into takes on Jerry Burns and The Big Lebowski, among other things. And, most importantly, Disco Stu doesn’t advertise. Stu has been notified of his award already and will be getting his designated 300-word post tomorrow morning. Be proud, Stu. Be the COW.

We have to admit: We were a little nervous about this whole guest post concept for the Commenter Of the Week (COW) when we first decided to give it a whirl. But it just might work out. Rocket has met the submission deadline, and he has given you a reason, for a second consecutive day here at RandBall, to get completely worked up about the Vikings. Here are his words:

Clearly yesterday’s discussion revealed a schism in Vikings fandom as it concerns the team and its leadership. While differences continue to exist among Vikings fans everywhere, this is not a time for division and anger. As a new year approaches, this should be a time for unity and renewal. And the one thing all Vikings fans can agree upon is that this team ruthlessly, ceaselessly and outrageously breaks our hearts every stinking year.

While the heartbreak is an annual event, some years are worse than others. Apparently, this has been a particularly difficult year for many fans. However, I submit that each one of us has one particular game that stands out above the rest as the one time the Vikings managed to most brutally rip your heart out of your chest and show it to you as another Vikings game painfully died in defeat.

The game that sticks out in my mind is the 1987 NFC Championship game. Because of scab players, a good Vikings team managed to only barely sneak into the playoffs. I was 12 back then and at a pivotal moment. I was ready to give up on the Vikings before they made their magical run. Had they been decent enough to lose to New Orleans or San Francisco, I might have been able to write them off forever. But they didn’t, and when Darrin Nelson dropped that pass against Washington, I dropped to the floor of my grandparents’ living room and almost started to cry.

So that’s my story. What about you, other Vikings fans? Despite (or perhaps because of?) some serious quirkiness among you all — Local Quipster’s right-wing rantings, SuperRookie’s slightly disturbing devotion, and Sassbottom’s clear hatred of his life come to mind — I am really curious. How did the Vikings break your heart?

With apologies to the many Vikings fans who made valid arguments and added greatly to the discussion of this year’s season, the Commenter Of the Week is none other than Rocket. Really, you could consider this a lifetime achievement award for not just one, not two, but three consistent weeks of solid and often hilarious commenting on RandBall. He dazzled us with his wit re: Fred Smoot. And he didn’t even lose points for his stinging barbs aimed squarely at us. It’s hard to tell if SuperRookie’s obvious – even somewhat suspicious – love of Rocket’s comments pushed him over the top or merely made us furrow our collective brow. But one thing is certain: Rocket is a worthy COW. He is hereby granted one 300-word post of his choosing, to be e-mailed to mrand@startribune.com by 9 a.m. Friday and posted shortly thereafter. Everyone else: Do you have what it takes to be next week’s COW?