We were having a conversation with Rocket last night, and the subject turned to attending sporting events in which absolutely nothing is on the line. He was getting pretty bent out of shape about his experience at Saturday’s Coyotes/Avalanche game in Phoenix, and even though we know Rocket is curmudgeonly in general, way beyond his 31 years, we had to agree with him to a certain extent. So we invited him to revive “Dispatches,” a feature in which you, the RandBall reader, attend a sporting event in a distant place and then offer a critique/analysis of your experience. Here is what he had to say (any bold type has been added by us at moments where we thought he might be shouting, had he been speaking rather than typing):

We need to institute a new rule in pro sports. There is a serious problem and we need a real solution. The severity of the problem became clear to me when I attended Saturday’s Coyotes/Avalanche game in Phoenix. If you have a passing knowledge of hockey you know that the Coyotes are out of the playoffs. While Colorado still has a chance of making the playoffs, that particular window is closing rapidly.

It was, essentially, a game between two non-playoff teams. It was still a hard-fought and enjoyable contest. But it was what it was. Nonetheless, Coyotes management decided to go through the whole useless production. The lights were dimmed for player introductions. An excessively loud disembodied voice demanded to know if we were, “Ready for Coyotes hockey!” Every break in the action was filled with snippets of music. The scoreboard displayed the usual panoply of mindless drivel: The decibel meter imploring us to “make some noise”, the obligatory “race” of some sponsored object, and the “kiss cam.”

I understand that, if a team is in the playoff hunt, then the team will do whatever is necessary to create energy within its building. I also understand that the minor leagues need this kind of stuff because the game is only part of the attraction in that setting.

However, this is the rule: If a team is out of the playoff race, they are not allowed to go through these ridiculous motions. If you attend a home game involving a non-playoff team then you should not have to subjected to this lunacy. It should be good enough that you are going to a game under those conditions; they should not be allowed to insult you by pretending that the game is anything more than what it is. No exceptions.

A favorite RandBall correspondent made the trek to last night’s Vikings/Packers game and provides some behind-the-scenes details on the big night. We’d like to thank him, even if his details are appaling:

First of all, the tailgating really is second-to-none. It was raining like crazy, but that didn’t stop anybody. However, when we got to the bathrooms, there were two full lines waiting. Both are pretty deep, so I just pick one. I get up to to the front, and I realize there were lines for both the urinals and the sinks, and that everybody is peeing in the sinks. There are about an equal number of both, like maybe 15, and people just think this is the natural thing to do. Every once in a while someone would say, “Hey, I want to wash my hands,” and people in camoflauge would think it was the funniest thing ever.

In the stands, there is a lot of Vikings-Packers smack talk. I’m talking about the least original stuff you can imagine. One time, this Packers fan stands up and says to a Vikings fan, “Hey, I bet you $5 that the Vikings will go 3-and-out here.” At the time, that seemed like a pretty good bet. But he picked the time the Vikings actually got a first down, so the Vikings fan won $5. And instead of doing the honorable thing and betting him again, the fan took the money to get beer.

Overally, it was really tough to watch when the only thing you were hoping for is that Dave Rayner is going to slip again. But the place was packed, and nobody left early. I also devoured a gi-normous bratwurst. It was the circumference of a can of soda. I guess they have varying degrees of bratwurst there.

The Gophers aren’t the only ones giving tickets away. Thanks to a kind sir at the University of Miami — we’ll just call him The Wolf. Yeah, we’re sending in The Wolf — we now know that students at that school can get a free ticket to watch their ‘Canes take on Nevada in the MPC Computers Bowl.

Um, and there’s only one catch, really: It would involve spending New Year’s Eve in Boise, Idaho, instead of Miami. (In other bad news, for those too lazy to follow the link, you already missed the final Gifford Arboretum Meeting of 2006, where you could have learned about Florida’s native plants). As for the game: True, you might be trading real gunplay for potato gunplay, but still. Free ticket or not, we might have to pass.

(By the way, “Dispatches” will be a semi-regular installment here containing far-away tales of your brushes with sports. Come one, come all).